My birthday recently passed and I’m a whopping 35 years old. Leading up to this day I felt myself becoming sad, almost depressed even. I didn’t want to acknowledge I was turning another year older. Did anyone else feel this way about the big 3-5? I looked at my hubby and said, “I think this is my midlife crisis.” I’m still on the struggle bus and it’s been two weeks. I have so many thoughts running through my head. How did I get here? What have I been doing the last 35 years? What am I going to do over the next five years? What’s next? I’m finding myself constantly questioning everything and worrying so much about the future.
I’m so focused on the number game. All I can think about is how old I’m going to be when my child starts Kindergarten, how old I’ll be when he graduates high school and college. I cringe when I think I’ll be just about 40 for Kindergarten and I can potentially be in my sixties when he graduates from college. I can’t get over it. That’s not how this was all supposed to go. Our parents are now sixty or approaching sixty and they have children in their thirties and a grandchild! I don’t know why this is so important to me or why it ways so heavy on my heart. Perhaps its because I feel like I’m going to miss out on the latter part of AJ’s life, or that I’ll miss out on his wedding or him having babies of his own. It’s like a trickle down effect where I then start to ponder every decision I’ve made that has led me to this part of my life.
In addition to these thoughts, I’ve become overwhelmed with a sense of worry that I won’t be able to have another baby. I fear that my time is up and I’ve already started preparing myself for being a mom of an only child. In reality, that would be okay and I am blessed that I have the chance to be a mom at all. These thoughts make me upset for waiting so long to find my hubby and have children. Silly, I know, but all of these years hearing that being over 35 is so risky and there are more chances for something to be wrong with the baby is slightly terrifying to me. Of course secondary infertility is another thought in my mind now. It’s a thing, for many people out there.
While I sit and worry about being too old to be a first time mom, or that I may only be a first time mom, I’ve come to realize I have a hard time living in the present. I’m always thinking about the future and what is supposed to happen next. I’m always trying to plan for the next thing in our lives. I guess that’s where I realize I’m not as committed to my faith as I thought. When I worry about how old I’ll be when my baby isn’t a baby anymore, I’ll try to remind myself to live in the moment with him because we can’t plan for the future entirely. When I worry I won’t be able to have another baby, I’ll still try to remind myself to live in the moment with the baby I was given.
There are positives to being a little older starting out my family. One, I’m more experienced in life and have learned so much, especially over the last 5 years, that make me more prepared for raising a little boy in our world. Two, I’ve done my partying and it’s out of my system. Don’t get me wrong, there are days I need a night out with our friends or my girls, but my life no longer revolves around that world, and I’m okay with that. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I’m content with a whole day committed to my little family. And, finally, I’m ready for this. There was a time in my life where I didn’t want kids. Heck, I don’t think I wanted a husband for a period in my life. Now, I’m ready for this life and every time a thought creeps into my mind about how old I am or how far behind I am in this game of life, I’ll do my best to remind myself that this is the path I’m on. Whether I strayed from God’s plan or this is what it’s supposed to be, I’ll never know. What I do know is that this following saying is true: “If you want to make God laugh, try planning your own life.”